Get Your Sh!t Together

“Get your shit together, Marissa!”, “Make money for the family!”, “You can do anything for a few months!”, “AaAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAagh!”, and many other obscenities I am learning to kindly reword so I allow myself to move forward. I am so cruel to myself sometimes, do you know what I mean? My over-eager brain goes into action and I suddenly find myself in a spiral of self-sabotaging thoughts. I don’t seem to have the developed “button” to push when I’ve gone too far, not yet.

This morning I opened my eyes and thoughts of how undeserving I am to wake up to someone who loves me wholly. It isn’t a perfect love; it has more depth and courage I cannot find verbiage to describe. It is the love that has exposed every hellishly cruel and astonishingly beautiful interior reality with timidity at first. Then comes a swell of challenge that will inescapably be overtaken by the sharp undertow of emotional awakening takes hold and overwhelms then makes clear to the wave-rider. The difference in my sabotage this morning from others was that I heard my thoughts, felt the pangs of doubt and fear come rushing in, and did not deny or accept them as my reality. I hear fear and doubt and searched in the foggy, darkness of first morning brain . . . and I stumbled on the “HALT THAT THOUGHT!” button!

I read through old journal entries and find how unkind I was being to myself (even in my kindest moments) was spilling out onto everyone I loved. I bullied, secretly and unintentionally, my partner and child in ways that were insidious and built-in after the lifetime of experiencing narcissistic mothering. I think the psychologists term were the “fleas” of that kind of upbringing unavoidably show through and have a way of confirming the lack of ability, worth and confidence that already exists. This does not help the vicious cycle of pouring horrible thoughts into my brain. It was a painful and yet alleviating realization, a double edged sword. I didn’t know what I was doing, but when I was told by my beloved that he felt bullied (my big man, he felt bullied by me?) I could see it peeking out in my short-tempered and exasperated resolutions in the day-to-day interactions…and you know who was getting the brunt of it all? My kiddo. My wonderful, thoughtful, gentle, curious, playful, smart girl was getting to see me at my worst, and I was supposed to process this without holding onto guilt? Oy ve. I am with her day in, day out. It has been a struggle to keep myself from interjecting solutions or translating between my beloved and my darling girl. “That is THEIR relationship.”, I say to myself (hopefully/usually without judgment).

Initially I felt as if I had always been trying my best to be the gentle, creative, passionate, loving mama and partner I was aiming to be. But this was something that had been missing from a self-descriptor: “bully”. Ouch. Of course I had always been trying to be a better version of myself, turning to compassion over reaction was a practice though. So, the truth was hard to swallow but now I can address it, now the healing can begin. I am excited for that part, I am excited to let go of this part of myself that I show to almost no one but the most important “someones” in my life. Now I know I was working with the tools I had, in the environment I was given and DID the best I could do. But I know better now, I live better now, so I can practice better now. I cannot just BE better right now, on many levels, but I can slowly and gently improve. This has made my complaints turn into challenges, and that means I can solve them instead of remaining stagnant in a filthy pool of emotional excrement. I can love what I have now, I can love what got me here, I can love what is to come.

There is a lot of work to be done, but it can be done and I am capable now more than ever before of making those lasting, positive changes while creating the life I have dreamed of. This IS life; finding and changing who I am and learning to find the joy and fluidity of each moment. I know who I am, and I know what I’m good at now, so I can finally claim my talents; I am a vocal, kind, empathetic, humanist, an artist, a writer, an explorer, a matriarch, a friend. I can be your friend, if you’ll let me in a little. But you have to be willing to do the work with me, ok? I’m a hustler, baby. Not like I used to be, I am not rushing and squirming and scheming. I’m a mindful, patient hustler. I have a vision, and now I can play my part in making that happen. I mantra: A mindful, patient hustler is a heavily rewarded game changer.

For me it has to begin small and manageable, balancing an immediate benefit with a long term benefit. This week we will be focusing on hitting the most important goals of all: get enough sleep, drink enough water. What is “enough”? For me, I can go to sleep at 11:00 and wake up at 6:00 without a problem. For my beloved, he needs to sleep 8 solid hours to feel ready to take on the day. I am teaching him now that he deserves to feel good all the time, and what it takes to get there. We used to exercise together, but then we went on this wild goose chase of a road trip and never got to our routine. Now that we are settled, I have some unsettling health news, I have to be ultra-gentle with my workouts and mentality. We want to workout together again, it was such a great time to spend together focusing on our independent goals and facing our own challenges and demons along the way. We didn’t have the need to stay up super late to catch up, so we are trying to get back into that. First, let’s work on getting sleep.

What I share with you today is my schedule for healing and managing the balance of self/mama/career lady/playmate/partner roles. The way I designed this schedule is in blocks of time and focus; Rise & Shine, Family Love, Quiet Time, Together Again, Naturally, There’s a Time for Us. From the moment your eyes peep at the new day until you put your feet into bed, this covers and encourages presence and allows the user to see there is time for what needs to be done and WHATEVER gets done today is ENOUGH. The focuses encompass healthy rituals, daily routines, times to eat, gentle and mindful healing. It leaves room for fluidity of schedule and is arranged to be read left to right until the block of time is complete. I don’t know how you get a habit formed, but I have to almost overload myself with constant reminders. Example; I have a copy taped to my nightstand, my bathroom mirror, inside a kitchen cabinet door, at my desk, by our family schedule. It won’t be like that forever, someday I will only need one simple reminder, but until I have it down naturally the reminders are plastered on my walls like proud badges of life goals. Like a yoga sequence, I will repeat it over and over again, getting to know it each time from a new light until it is the very rhythm by which I breathe. Only then can I go deeper, and explore more breath work that needs to be tended.

My message today is be patient with yourself, start the day with patience and gratitude and breath work before your feet even hit the floor. Pick an element you need to work on and start where you are, with what you have. You won’t stay where or who you are for long if you work with what you have to make those changes. What you have will always be changing, as you change. Balancing being patient and accountable with yourself is a challenge that will ooze out onto everyone you run into and will keep you curious, observant even, but leave you unfazed at the opinions of others. We would all love a little more patience from the world, give it to yourself until your cup runneth over! Then keep give-give-giving that way and giving to others won’t seem like the chore it sometimes can.

Until later lovies,

xo

M